June 11, 2020

What a year! Our trajectory this school year began as usual and around mid-March quickly jumped off course. And once off course, the path for the whole world has continued to not follow a straight line. In my February 20th blurb I referenced an article in The Atlantic that highlighted why "staying on track" isn't necessarily the answer.  The study quoted in the article states that only 10% of people surveyed feel they followed a straight path throughout the course of their lifetime. "The remaining 90 percent are folks who have taken risks, failed, changed course, recovered, often failed again, but ultimately found their stride." Obviously the article was focusing on people's life paths and trajectories, but I feel the same can be said about our country and world. My hope is that society's recent wiggly, uncomfortable, and challenging trajectory will ultimately help humankind find their stride. We have known for far too long that many things needed to move in a new direction - climate change and racial inequities and injustices are examples of a couple of areas that require change.  The article goes on to say that, "encouraging children to follow a linear path makes them cautious and competitive when what they are most likely to need are curiosity, a willingness to take risks, and a talent for collaboration." Curiosity, risk-taking, and collaboration are the exact tools we need as a society to face this curvy, winding path in front of us. We need to think outside of the box and be willing to move in new directions for positive progress. At Middle School, I'm proud to say that our students, families, and teachers have all embraced these unprecedented twists and curves and we are excited to see what new opportunities the coming school year presents.  We know that with a little resilience, some friends to lean on, and an open heart, we can bike up any mountain!  Have a great summer and please look for Bianca's Blurb back in action this fall!  Here's a poem by Leslie Dwight that reflects the intent of this week's blurb.

 

 

I don't know about you, but sometimes when I see a long list of resources, I end up clicking on nothing rather than reading something. When drafting the Black Lives Matter message to the community, I recognized that it was a long list. It felt important, however, to provide as much support and resources as possible for such a critical moment in our lives. I decided to use this blurb to highlight one resource: Common Sense media. They have great articles including the top black history movies that tackle racism as well as the top books you might encourage them to read this summer about diversity and inclusion (scroll down in this article to find teen appropriate books).  In today's blurb, I'd like to highlight some key points from Common Sense Media about how to talk about race and racism with your child. Here are some solid tips to begin the conversation.

• Check in with yourself first. The pandemic has been hard enough. And then you layer racial injustices, protests, and riots on top of that and you may be feeling overwhelmed as a parent. Find a time to talk to your child when you are feeling the most calm and centered about it all.
• Create a safe space. Make sure there are no distractions, no pressing events to get to and sit next to them. Ask them how they're feeling and look for signs of distress. 
• Listen. Many of our children are acutely aware of what's going on and are probably following many of their favorite artists, actors, etc on social media and see what they are posting and saying. Listen to their thoughts and ask them to tell you more to clarify their thinking. 
• Bite-size pieces. We need to talk about this. But, "if we are so lucky and privileged, then we can dole out the information to them in safer doses." We don't need to talk about every single incident and watch a video of every protest. Choose a couple and talk about those. 
• Encourage empathy and look for resilience. Ask them to think about how others feel or have felt. Then push them to find the resilience in the communities that have been affected. 
• Take Action. Begin to talk about what your child and your family can do. Some bigger actions might be protesting, petitioning, etc. But there are other ways to take action. Listen to your friends of color. Ask them how they're doing. Read a book. Watch a movie. Follow an activist on Instagram. Listen to a podcast. Just encourage your child to commit to some sort of action. 

For some reason, my son has got it in his brain that this summer we are going on a big trip. His ideas range from San Simeon to Lake Arrowhead. Not exactly huge trips, but something to do during summer. When he talks about summer I feel two opposing feelings. One is a sense of relief- a break from zoom classes and homeschooling. On the other hand, I also feel a bit anxious- what activities can I fill the summer with? I highly believe in the benefits of boredom, but I also know that days on end of boredom can lead to irritable kids. Just yesterday I was talking to a few parents of teens with a similar concern- if we can't do much traveling, what can we do? So I did a little digging and researching and here's a list of OUT OF THE BOX activities/life skill learning that are being suggested to do with your teen while potentially stuck indoors:

 

I only really began to read on a Kindle (or the kindle app) when I moved abroad. Although I love the smell and feel of real books, lugging heavy books in a suitcase/backpacking pack didn't seem like such a great idea. I don't know about you, but the thought of reading on my Kindle right now causes me to cringe. My eyes need a break from the screen. As an avid reader and looking to support local businesses, I have begun to hit up Chaucer's quite a bit! I assume many of you are doing the same. And just the other day, I caught myself staring at the magazine stands at my local grocery store and thought, I want to read real magazines! This made me think that our kids may enjoy this too (I know I did when I was a teenager and it might provide a nice respite for the eyes). Here is a list of books, book resources and magazine titles that may be of interest to your teenager. Stock up on some of these now and maybe they'll be a hit for summer...a little light reading at the beach, camping, or on your next road trip?!

• Popular Teenage/YA Books of 2020
• One of Us is Next (sequel to One of Us is Lying)
• All the Days Past, All the Days to Come (conclusion of Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry) 
• The Conference of the Birds (sequel to A Map of Days)
• Ashlords (from the author of Nyxia series- which is highly recommended!)
• The Queen's Assassin
• Ember Queen
• The Kingdom of Back (author of Warcross and Legend)
• The Vanishing Deep
• A Phoenix Must First Burn
• Dancing at the Pity Party
• The Gilded Ones (read this if you liked Children of Blood and Bones (which I loved!))
• Influence (co-authored by Pretty Little Liars author)
• Unravel the Dusk (sequel to Spin the Dawn)
• The Montague Twins: The Witch's Hand
• See the infographic for recommended Middle School aged authors and the genres they write!
• Websites and resources to find more books
• Commonsense Media - you can select by age and it will give you a sense of the content. 
•  Goodreads - Follow their recommended book lists for suggestions.
• Barnes & Noble and Amazon offer great recommended reading for teens as well. Follow their book clubs or book lists for suggestions.
• Join the Santa Barbara Public Library! You will receive amazing information in their newsletter with special events, classes, virtual book clubs, author talks, etc. 
• Popular Teenage Magazines
• Sports Illustrated for Kids
• Boys' Life
• Girls' Life
• Teen Vogue
• ROOKIE magazine
• Affinity Magazine
• Teen Ink
• Seventeen
• J-14

 

 

It was wonderful to see so many of you zoom in for our Parent Association meeting on Tuesday with Dave Mochel. Dave highlighted a few important things that we can do for ourselves and with our teens to help get us through this challenging time. Here are some of my takeaways: 

• Give our children the space, time and attention to express how they're feeling. Don't respond with what they "should" do to get over that feeling. Let them know that it's normal and OK to feel discomfort, anxiety, disappointment, frustration, etc.
• Mindfulness is not about feeling happy. It's about being aware of ALL of our feelings and accepting them.
• Accept your children's feelings with the phrase, "Of course you feel that way." 
• Use the phrase, "Tell me more" to invite more communication from them. 
• Sit next to them and share space while they engage in one of their favorite activities. Just being present is enough.
• Suggest an activity together. What do they think would be fun to try as a family or in pairs?
• Tell them, "You can't come back inside until 5 pm" as a way to get them outdoors in nature or to engage in some activity.
• Improve sleep by disconnecting from screens one hour before bed. This gives your brain ample time to wind down and prepare for sleep.
• To calm your mind before bed, rest your hands over wherever you feel love and go through each person you are grateful for. Wait until you feel the love before moving on to the next person.
• Remember that you are enough. And you are up for whatever challenge lies ahead. 

 

As we close out February, I realized that I had not mentioned Black History Month in my prior blurbs.  While considering topics that I could discuss around Black History Month, I decided that possibly one of the most important topics would be how to teach our children about racism. These conversations can oftentimes be uncomfortable and awkward even in the most well-intentioned of families. But ultimately, we want our kids to "manage the complicated issues of prejudice, diversity, and equality" and be kind and compassionate citizens of the world. Here are some tips (from this article) on how to talk to your kids about race:

• Let them talk about it! Often times we hush kids when they point out someone's race or difference. Instead of demonstrating our discomfort (and sometimes even mortification) that they are pointing out someone's race, embrace the conversation. "Research has shown...: talking about race can decrease prejudice, make people feel more comfortable and accepted and even help kids perform better at school." 
• Make your dialogue age-appropriate. After the age of 10, a child's experience around race has been shown to matter more than what is said. With teens, it's important to have authentic interactions with individuals of different races and ethnicities in addition to open conversations. Use summer camps and community events to find ways of exposing your teen to more diverse individuals and groups. 
• Celebrate diversity by recognizing similarities and differences! Use books, movies, music, and the internet to discuss different cultures and races. Discuss language, food, dress, and instruments and couple those discussions with similarities- we all love to eat, dance, play! 
• Encourage empathy. Ask your children to consider how someone else feels. When watching a movie or TV show, pause and discuss what others must feel like in difficult situations. Also, ask them about how someone might feel even when it's not a difficult situation. "How do you think so and so feels when they walk into a [class/restaurant/store] and they're the only [black, Latino, differently-abled, etc] person?" 
• Be a model. During a Women and Leadership conference in Los Angeles, our keynote speaker was Julie Lythcott-Haims. Former lawyer and Stanford University dean, she became famous for her Ted Talk on How to Raise Successful Kids Without Overparenting. She went on to write a memoir titled Real American in which she documents much of her experience around race and racism. During our conference, a participant asked, "How can we increase diversity in our organizations?" Her response was a question, "Who are your friends?"  Her point was and is that if we as adults don't make diversity a priority in our own life, how will we ever truly convey a message that diversity is important. As parents we must, "reach out to people who are different from [us], become engaged in multicultural events in [our] community, and cultivate friendships across group boundaries."

February 13, 2020

I read an interesting blog post this morning from Montrose School that resonated with me and my training in the Character Counts program. The author was describing a quote she heard from Toni Morrison during an interview with Oprah. Toni Morrison was saying that fussing over her children's clothes was how she used to show she cared. She realized, however, that a better indicator was asking yourself, "Does your face light up when your kid enters the room?" The author of the blog goes on to correct that the quote is about when any kid enters the room, but raises some significant points about how our body language and facial expressions can mean so much to our kids. Here are some key quotes from the post:

• "Parenting remains beautifully messy work."
• "We...fiddle with each other's most vulnerable buttons."
• "The emotions they hold in at school come roaring out at home. And sometimes the emotions I hold in at work do, too."
• "When they come home from school, my face can be a safe landing place. And when they go to bed at night, I can muster up a final “I love you,” even if the evening went awry."
• " 'Let your face speak what’s in your heart. It’s just as small as that.'"
• "Children and teens are great anthropologists.”
• "[The] kids are watching my face in the grocery line. They are watching how I greet the woman in a hijab in front of us and the man in a wheelchair behind us. They are watching how I greet their friends on the playground and how I interact with a stranger who stops to ask for directions in halting English. They watch my comfort -- or discomfort -- in interacting with children with disabilities, visible and invisible. They are looking for clues. Does my face light up, still?"
• "When children and adolescents are very upset, literally just the presence of a loving person helps to de-escalate and creates the space where calm is invited in."

On Monday I attended a presentation by Dr. Kelly Jameson about raising resilient kids in affluent families. Her presentation coupled with Dr. Steve Smith's talk on pressure-cooker lives of teenagers left me swirling with some important points about how to raise resilient kids with lower rates of anxiety and depression... Here are some key points from Dr. Jameson and Dr. Smith's presentations to ponder:

• What is affluence? It's not the money, it's a value system that is often part of having advantages in life. It's an expectation to be treated and served in a certain way.
• Historically, high status has been shown through houses, cars, and jewelry. Now, we use our children as our status markers. Academy acceptance, college acceptance, AP classes, and extracurriculars are this generation of parents' new indicators of status.
• Historically, families told kids they "can't" pay for [insert expensive activity or object here]. Now, in affluent families parents struggle to say they "won't." Teenagers are showing an increased difficulty in tolerating frustration and being told, NO. (Read The Power of No for more on this topic).
• Often times, for affluent kids, failure is not an option. There is an underlying obligation to do well because mom and dad spent so much money on ____ or because there's so much pressure to perform and have the right outcome/level of achievement as a result. This often results in "burn out" or "opt out" (self-sabotage) scenarios. 
• As a result of well-meaning, but misguided parents, teens have higher rates of anxiety and depression. 
• Nearly 1 in 3 adolescents will meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder by the age of 18.
• By 7th grade, affluent girls are 2x more likely to be depressed than non-affluent girls. In high school, 3x more likely (Read The Price of Privilege for more on this topic)
• Some other culprits of anxiety and depression for all teens are:
• Social media and the false "curated self"- the idea that everyone looks happy on Instagram, so I should be happy too.
• Social contagion- a constant comparison to what others have and can do (whether it's true or not).
• Marketing- College marketing has been wildly successful in making parents and their kids think that it is harder to get into college. They are selling the idea of scarcity, which increases pressure. The facts show that there are just more applicants and many schools are actually increasing their enrollment.
• How do I know if this is happening to my kid? You'll know if your kid is resilient when they've encountered their first setback- being excluded, being dumped, not chosen for a team, not chosen for a school/academy/college, or their first low grade. If they can't or struggle to bounce back, then you may want to take a closer look at what's going on.
• So what can we do?
• Don't set forth such an easy path. Expect your child to do chores. Have them get a job in high school. Don't make life too smooth by giving them everything. Studies have shown that chores and jobs increase a child's sense of responsibility, self-esteem and importance in the family.
• Set and maintain limits and boundaries (especially with their cell phone!). Enforce the rules!
• Even if you can pay for something, don't. Be OK with saying NO. Does your 7th grader really need the new $200 Adidas boost shoes? 
• Encourage the authentic self! Let your child choose their passion. Don't insert your idea of what they SHOULD do. Maybe your kid likes theater and you're a "sports family." That's OK. Maybe your kid likes anime, painting, hockey, or anything else that you are unfamiliar with. That's OK. Follow their lead.
• Encourage playtime and downtime. Boredom encourages innovation and creativity and it is within that space and time that they can find their authentic self.
• Don't overload them with extracurriculars! Pump the brakes on their activities and allow space and time for relaxation, boredom and relationships.
• Make space and time for the family. Family meals have been linked to increased engagement in the classroom, higher self-esteem, greater sense of resilience, lower risk of eating disorders, lower risk of substance abuse, etc, etc... 
• Redefine success.

• "As they reach middle school, children drift away from the pure play of running in the yard at recess or building with Legos."
• "If you want to know whether your child is going to be happy or miserable, confident or anxious, being a fly on the wall at lunch would probably tell you a lot."
• "Most American students move from spending the bulk of the day in one classroom and with one set of classmates—a social bubble of sorts—to multiple classrooms and multiple new classmates. Their number of potential social possibilities swells. Children are entering a period of maximum concern over acceptance or rejection and over how they will be perceived."
• "Over a period of three years, [a] team recruited 6,000 sixth graders from 26 different middle schools in Los Angeles and then followed each cohort. The study revealed that instability rules, at least at the beginning. Two-thirds of the children entering their first year of middle school changed friends between the fall and the spring.
• "They gravitate to those with similar interests of the kind that begin to solidify in these years—soccer, theater, robotics. Similarities, as always, attract. Earlier friends often fall by the wayside."
• "About 12 percent of the 6,000 sixth graders in Juvonen’s study were not named as a friend by anyone else. They had no one to sit with at lunch and no one to stick up for them when bullied. Of that group, boys outnumbered girls nearly two to one, and African American and Latino students were more likely to be friendless than white kids."
• "Most of the time, bullying is a very strategic effort to gain and maintain status."
• "'Parents shouldn’t worry about peer pressure or peer influence,' Steinberg said. 'They should worry about who the peers are that their kids are hanging around with.'”
• "Social buffering is a way of describing the protective, positive effect of one individual on another. It describes the power of one person to reduce another’s stress."

January 23, 2020

At this time of year, you may find your child worried about friendships.  Maybe they think they haven't met their best friend yet, maybe they are afraid nobody likes them, maybe they're questioning if they fit in. These are all typical middle school fears and concerns. Your child is not alone. A desire to belong is probably one of the strongest feelings humans have. And I want to be clear that belonging is different than fitting in. As Brene Brown explains, fitting in often includes compromising who we are (our beliefs, our values, how we look, things we say) for the sake of being included into a group. Belonging, however, is when you are unapologetically you and feel a sense of contentment and warmth around you.  So how can we help our kids belong? Remind your kid, 

• That making new friends takes time. It won't happen overnight, or even within the first few months of school. They had years to develop their friendships at the elementary school and being patient will pay off. 
• That most, if not all, middle school-aged kids worry about making friends.
• They are not alone in this feeling of wanting to belong.
• That friendships change. Maybe they were initially drawn to a group when they first arrived at middle school and now don't think it's their tribe. That's OK. Friendships change over time. 
• That friends mature at different rates and friends that maybe shared similar interests before, no longer will. That's OK. Encourage them to branch out. 
• To be brave. Often times, it takes one gutsy invite to spark a friendship and to send the message, "Yes, I want to be your friend."
• To find common ground. Sometimes it's easier to set up a time to hang out, outside of the home. The home can be a private, personal space. Encourage your child to make a plan at Starbucks, the mall, the skate park, or Rusty's pizza. 

January 16, 2020

As we wrap up the first semester, here are some helpful tips on how to have positive, productive conversations about your child's report cards.

• Look at the HUB before report cards come home. Know more or less the grades your child is earning.
• Plan for the discussion. Review your thoughts and approach with the other parent or guardian, even if you live in separate households. Being on the same page is critical for ensuring your child's continued success.
• Find a calm place in the house with little to no distractions to sit down with your child. Sitting next to your child (not across the table from them) sends the message, "We're on the same team!"
• Make sure there is no event planned soon after the conversation that may make you rush or end the conversation prematurely. 
• Start off the discussion with something positive. 
• Focus on PROGRESS AND GROWTH, not just the end result.
• Let them talk by asking open-ended questions. Some examples are, "How does this grade reflect your learning? What topic was the most interesting to you this past semester? How do you feel you have grown? What felt like the most important thing you learned in _____ class?" 
• Keep the conversation about them, don't compare them to a sibling or peer. 
• Make a follow-up plan together. Ask them what they might do to continue on a positive trajectory or what changes they might need to make to redirect? The plan should have concrete action steps. Some examples might be, "Attend diamond time with a teacher every week. Ask for help from a teacher during lunch. Clarify the homework before leaving class. Leave Netflix and phone calls/messages until after homework is done." 
• Keep the big picture in mind. Remember, there are many factors that affect your child's learning and a variety of data points we can utilize to help gauge their progress. If there is something concerning to you, reach out to your child's teacher or to myself. 

As we finish up the last two weeks of the semester, I wanted to bring up the topic of growth mindset, originally coined by Carol Dweck from Stanford University. For two years I have spoken at the Parent Association meetings about growth mindset. In a few weeks, you will see on your child's report card some information about their mindset in each of their classes. For this blurb I wanted to answer the question, "Why is a growth mindset so important to SBMS?" 

• When we adopt a growth mindset, we are more likely to persevere, we stick with things longer. Studies show that teenagers' ability to tolerate frustration has gone down. They are quicker to give up when faced with a challenge. In a longitudinal study of nearly 400 seventh grade students, Lisa Blackwell found that "giving seventh-grade students a growth mindset message plus study-strategy lessons, compared to simply giving students study-strategy lessons, increased their math achievement later in the year. The key is to help students believe that effort can make a difference." At SBMS, we want students to engage in struggle, embrace challenge, and to not be deterred by failure so that they increase their resilience and grit when faced by all of life's obstacles (both inside and outside of the classroom).
• When we adopt a growth mindset, we are more likely to perform better. At SBMS, we don't want students to give up on possible new passions in life. Practice does not make perfect, but practice does make BETTER. Reinforcing that effort will lead to improvement will encourage our kids to reach improved performance. It will also encourage them to take more risks because they will not fear failure as much. By pushing themselves they will reach greater limits and perform better. At SBMS, we talk about the inner and outer journey and the idea that the growth along that journey will lead them to deeper insights about themselves and their ability to thrive in the world around them. 
• When we adopt a growth mindset, we are more likely to enjoy what we're doing. We don't get bogged down in our mistakes and failures when we approach new endeavors with a growth mindset. We know that over time we can improve and so we are happy and content with our performance throughout our journey of failure, learning, and change. At SBMS, we want all of our students to recognize that life can be both a challenge and a miracle and that we can enjoy our struggle, knowing that our effort will lead us to great rewards. 
• When we adopt a growth mindset, we are better equipped to handle change and transitions. When focused on a growth mindset, we are more likely to focus on what is within our control. We won't be limited in thinking that we will be stuck at a certain point forever. During periods of change and transition, children with a growth mindset are more likely to be proactive and reevaluate current strategies and seek out better ones in order to face any new challenges. At SBMS, we want students to be prepared for their transition to high school, college, and beyond. 
• At SBMS, we introduce a growth mindset tool along with a lesson about neuroplasticity and the research behind a growth mindset. In every classroom you can now find "SBMS Growth Mindset Icon Cards," which represent the different and important attitudes that people exhibit when they embrace a growth mindset. 

Personally, I have been LOVING the SBMS Countdown to Solstice 2019 and I cannot wait to circle up and hike with our community. Aside from getting in exercise, drinking cider with mules, and watching the sunrise AND sunset with those I love, here is why I find this day so important. An article from Usable Knowledge, a division of Harvard's Graduate School of Education, articulates how principals and headmasters can promote a strong internal school culture. That being said, the overarching tenets of the article apply to the whole school - internal and external- and shows how such an event like Solstice can be a building block of a school's character and ultimately promotes a good school culture. 

• "Culture is Connections"- A strong school culture relies upon many overlapping and cohesive interactions with all members of the community. Knowledge of the school's culture and how to thrive within it will be reinforced by these shared connections. Beliefs and values will be widely recognized as a result of these relationships and connections. Be sure to chat with other parents, teachers, and students as you circle up at the beach for the sunrise swim and/or for the hike up Romero.
• "Culture is Core Beliefs and Behaviors"- A strong school culture is promoted when we live out our beliefs through our actions. Events and messages that invite "collaboration...and hard work" (hiking together up Romero?!) will solidify our values.
• "Culture is shaped by five interwoven elements:"
• Fundamental beliefs- The Solstice hike is a great example of our beliefs of "Carpe Diem" and "Cutting a Groove"
• Shared values- Circling up as a community highlights our values of showing gratitude for this place as well as kindness toward one another
• Norms- We are setting an expectation of ourselves to "Show up, Dive in, Share our Gifts, and Begin Again."
• Patterns and behaviors - By hiking Romero we will literally be walking our talk with active participation in school events.
• Tangible evidence - When December 20th comes to a close, we will end the day with wonderful pictures and stories of such a memorable event as a community. 

Bianca

December 12, 2019

The middle school years can be an exciting but often times challenging period for both the children and the parents. Parents often find themselves in the midst of a battle, struggle, or challenge with their teens without even realizing they were headed down this path. This can be unnerving and can leave parents to wonder, "What do I do now? Who can I turn to?" On Monday, I attended the Youthwell Coalition meeting and as a result, I want to devote this week's blurbs to resources that can help you and your family when you need support. 

• SBMS Parent Association Meetings: If you have yet to attend, please do. These are great opportunities to learn from experts and share with other parents going through similar situations.
• Off-site parent meetings: Many local agencies offer parent meetings. Here are a couple to explore: Mission Harbor Behavioral Health (run by an SBMS alum) hosts a parent meeting on Mondays at 5:30 pm. Evolve hosts a parent meeting on Wednesdays at 6:00 pm. AHA! hosts a parent meeting once a semester. 
• SBMS Counselors: On campus we have Steve Smith and Jazzmyn Ward. If you are interested in meeting with them or having your child meet with them, contact me! bianca@sbms.org
• Off-Site Counselors: Here are a list of counselors who we recommend- Adela Barcia adelabarcia@gmail.com, Gabriela Dodson (current parent) gabriela.dodson@gmail.com, Melissa Flanigan (SBMS alum and Clinical Director of Mission Harbor) melissaflanigan@hotmail.com
• Community Organizations (see attached flyer for description and contact info): Council on Alcoholism & Drug Abuse (CADA), Family Service Agency FSA, CALM, Pacific Pride Foundation, What Is Love, Mental Wellness Center, Just Communities, Noah's Anchorage, AHA!
• Community Events: Youthwell is hosting another amazing parent information session on Mindful Listening, facilitated by Dave Mochel who will be speaking at one of the SBMS PA events and has done two workshops for SBMS staff and faculty this school year. See below and the flyers for more info.
• Mindful & Compassionate Listening Workshops
• SPEAKER: Dave Mochel
• DATES: 3 SUNDAYS IN 2020: Jan 12, Apr 26, Aug 23
• TIME: 3:00PM - 5:00PM
• LOCATION: Deckers Brands • 6601 Hollister Ave

November 21, 2019

This holiday season, make sure to find time to play some good old fashioned board and card games as a family! Although we currently live in a time of online gaming, psychologists still firmly promote the benefits of board games and card games for teen development. Here's why:

• Games help teens develop their prefrontal cortex which is responsible for executive function skills such as organizing, planning, and making good decisions. Strategy is one of the key components of various board games and card games and it is what helps our kids' brain development.
• Games help teens learn to tolerate their frustration when they lose.
• Games can be ways to improve learning needs. Play Scrabble or Boggle to improve vocabulary and spelling, for example.
• Games can help improve verbal skills. Play Taboo and Catchphrase to improve language abilities.
• Games can help improve non-verbal skills such as reading body language. This is especially important as teens spend more time on their devices. Playing card games such as poker and games such as Charades, help them read and interpret body language.
• Games help teens improve their attention span. We live in an age of immediate feedback. Siri and Alexa answer our questions and so much information can be found at a click of the keyboard. Sitting through a full board game requires patience and more sustained attention.
• Games are a great way for families to spend time together.
• Games encourage teamwork. 
• Games can also help your younger children develop hand-eye coordination, fine motor skills such as finger dexterity, the ability to wait their turn, and also an ability to tolerate their frustration when they lose. 
• Some of my favorite family games: Clue, Speed, Mancala, and Rummi-Q

November 14, 2019 

According to the National Youth Sports and Health Safety Institute, "Participation in youth athletics has dramatically increased over the last two decades. Approximately 45 million children ages 6-18 participate in some form of organized athletics. The total number of high school students participating in sports has increased by 75% since 1970, due in large part to the passage of Title IX and subsequent access that girls had to participation." My first response to this is YAY! I love sports and feel that there are so many benefits to playing them- teamwork, discipline, and strategy, among others. Unfortunately, with this increase of participation, we have seen an increase in competition and early-on specialization (defined as choosing one sport over another to travel and compete before 9th grade). Early-on specialization can have some negative side effects. We once thought that choosing one sport and hitting 10,000 hours of practice would result in a more skilled athlete. Turns out this is not necessarily the case. There are compelling reasons why pre-adolescents and adolescents should NOT specialize in just one sport. Read this article for more details but here are some summarized points:

• Early-on specialization can lead to emotional burnout- So much focus and emphasis on achievement in just one sport can put a lot of undue stress on a young athlete. Couple that with the other stressors of pre-adolescence and adolescence and you get burnout.
• Early-on specialization can lead to overuse injuries-"With the growing number of young athletes, increased attention is being given to overuse injuries in this population. Approximately half of all injuries evaluated in pediatric sports medicine clinics are associated with overuse." (National Youth Sports and Health Safety Institute)
• Early-on specialization may inhibit skill development for sports that require more maturity and complex skill sets. For example, "In softball, achieving peak performance requires a baseline level of athleticism, hand-eye coordination, and emotional and mental maturity for the successful execution of complex motor skills like hitting and pitching. Eliminating participation in sports that help develop one’s fundamental movement skills in middle childhood (ages 6 to 12 years old) would result in athletes not able to reach their full potential."(The Ugly Side of Early Specialization)
• Ways to counteract the potential adverse effects of specialization
• Monitor workloads of stressful, competitive activities. This includes school.
• Embrace fun and deliberate play in child-driven rather than adult-driven games.
• At least one day off per week for both mental and physical rest.
• Have a declared “offseason” (a 2-3 month break from games) where other sports can be pursued. (The Ugly Side of Early Specialization)

October 17, 2019 

As I mentioned in my last blurb, parenting is hard. Often times we lean too far one way or the other and it can be hard to find that balance. So what helps us as parents find that balance? We must remember to take care of ourselves! Hopefully having one of your children (or all) on the fall trip will free some of your time to do something nice for yourself. Here are some recommendations based off the self-care that you might need:

• Physical Self-Care- go for a walk, dance, hike, swim, get a massage, schedule that doctor or dentist appointment
• Mental Self-Care- read a book, learn a new skill like photography or painting, do a DIY project, unplug from your phone, try a new language on Duolingo
• Emotional Self-Care- meditate, practice Yoga, talk with a friend, call someone in your family, go on a date, journal, write down a list of what you're grateful for 

• Logical consequences are communicated in advance. If children know what to expect if they break a rule, they are less likely to argue about it after. They won't see it as unfair because they knew ahead of time that it was part of the deal. Including them in the process of determining the consequence will provide further ownership!
• Logical consequences are related to the behavior and action. The two actions need to be congruent with one another. Let's say your child comes home after curfew. You decide they have to wash everyone's dishes for two weeks. In this example, your teen won't understand the connection. As a result, they are more likely to fixate on the fact that the consequence is unfair as opposed to the importance of arriving home on time.
• Logical consequences should be time-sensitive. Not giving them a consequence right away or giving them a consequence that'll happen far off in the future doesn't help them understand the importance of what they did wrong. During that time, they'll get over it and downplay their actions. So if they did come home late, don't wait a week to talk about it. Similarly, don't say things like "Well you can't go to that concert in 3 months because you came home late." 
• Logical consequences should be reasonable. Over exaggerating the consequence will have the unintended effect of your teen seeing you as unfair and the consequence as unjust. Keeping with the same example, if they do come home late one night, grounding them for 2 months is excessive. Keep it reasonable.
• Logical consequences require follow-through. If you set and give a consequence, follow through on it. When you don't, they learn that they don't have to keep agreements, that words mean nothing, and that they can get away with all kinds of behavior because you don't hold them accountable. They will also begin to develop an idea that love means "giving in." 
• So let's think through coming home late. What is a logical consequence in this example? You both agree ahead of time that your child will come home by 10 pm. You both agree that if they come home late, they will owe you that time. So they come home late by 20 minutes. Avoid the lecture. Instead, say, "Tomorrow night you have to come home 20 minutes before 10." Anticipate the next consequence..."If you come home late again, then I won't let you go out with your friends next weekend." If it starts to become a pattern? "Let's sit down and problem solve this together." 
• If the consequence is reasonable, related to the act, and time-sensitive then it is not a punishment. Punishments tend to incite fear and invite obedience and compliance. Or, punishments can cause feelings of being vindictive and invite rebellion. None of that is the goal. Learning from the mistakes and correcting the behavior is the goal. 
• Many parents will ask me, "But shouldn't the consequence get them where it hurts?" Or, "Doesn't shaming them help?" My takeaway question for you to ponder and ask yourself is this...Why do we think people should feel bad in order to do good?
• And remember, parenting is HARD. You'll yell, you'll punish, and you won't be logical from time to time. That's ok too. Take a breath and BEGIN AGAIN! 

October 3, 2019  

Struggling at home to find ways to motivate your child? Wondering how to avoid  fear based punishments but still hold your child accountable for their actions and help them learn from their mistakes?

Positive Discipline, also known as the humanistic approach, roots itself in a few key ideals. Be kind, yet firm. Enforce logical consequences, not punishments. Empower, don't enable. This week we will focus on motivating your child. When talking about teenagers, here is a list of tips for encouraging and motivating your child.

• Compliments- "people do better when they feel better." What do you appreciate about your child? Find something they did well that week or something special and unique that you love about them. Share it at dinner. 
• Humor- "Teenagers enjoy a sense of humor and respond to it much better than to lectures and nagging."Avoid sermons. Listen to them. Teens are more apt to do something when they don't feel like you're nagging them.
• Let's Make a Deal and Using Collateral- "It's another version of give-and-take, a concept that appeals to a teen's sense of fairnessand logic." Good deals are realistic and ones that you will follow through upon! It may feel like you are bribing them, but you are setting the boundaries and in control of what deals you're willing to strike. Are they dying to do a sleepover or go to a concert? Great! They can go when they finish their missing assignments or after washing the dishes/doing laundry.
• Joint Problem Solving- your 7th grader wants a cell phone...NOWAY, you think...well, solve the problem TOGETHER. Let the teen share their goals/issues. Then you share. Brainstorm options to meet in the middle. Pick an option together that you both can live with. Including the teen in the process will make them feel like their opinion matters and that they are respected.